First...The New Year

 

The last 2 weeks haven't been the most fun 'round these parts. After D and Jilli got sick it made it's way to me and Izzy. Thankfully Iz got over it pretty quickly with her 4 year old immune system. But I have been a much different story. Fevers, cold sweats, a 70 year old smokers cough, chest pain, severe congestion, headache, nausea, 2 explosions of cold sores. Bronchitis and sinus infection. But, with some anti-biotics, an inhaler, sinus spray and a lot of love from some beautiful friends and my wonderful Douglas and I think I might be feeling better. Sickness is tough on this pregnant body. I'm ready to be better. So that is how this new year has started out for me.  I know, it could have been worse.  I could have ran into a brick wall or something.

I haven't really thought about any New Years resolutions.  It seems that I make resolutions every day.  Be a better wife.  Be a better, more loving, and compassionate mother. Pray more.  Read my scriptures more.  Stop yelling.  Be a better Young Women's president.  Be more organized.  The list goes on and on.  Every day I wake up with more resolve.  To be a little better than I was the day before. So, for my New Years resolutions I guess I should dig a little deeper and see what I can come up with.  IF I decide to do it at all.  Sometimes I feel that I'm just setting myself up for failure with this kind of thing. I'll let you know how it goes.

Second...the belly.
I know, it's been a while.

This is what I see...every day right now.  A 36 week lovely lump of baby.  Don't you want to just rub it? 

 

I look down and think, "wow, that is some belly."  I caught myself just watching my kids the other night and being amazed that I had 4 beautiful children.  I glanced at my husband and 13 years of memories flooded my brain.  Then, I looked down and thought, "we are having our 5th child."  Soon I will be the mother of 5.  Five.  F.I.V.E.  That's pretty unreal.  I giggled. 

As the time draws closer and closer I get a little undone with all the thoughts, worries and concerns that come along with giving birth and bringing home a brand new baby.  Then, I take deep breaths and remind myself that I've done this 4 times before, I can do it again.

I examined my belly pretty thoroughly the other night to see if I've developed any new stretch marks (with fingers crossed).  You see, this marvelous girl of mine has worked her way up so high, I feel that she just might kick my throat at times.  I've carried all my girls high, but this is quite remarkable.  My skin and ribs are experiencing pain they never have before. Thankfully, there are no new stretch marks at this time and no bruising all over my ribs which I expect to see every day...no evidence of the pain. It's like when you hit your shin bone crazy hard on something and expect to have this massive bruise the next day that you can show everyone as proof of what you went through...and then you wake up with nothing to show. No bruise, just pain. On the upside of things, I do look down at my cleavage and smile to myself.  I've missed those girls immensely and I'm glad they are back for a little while. And so is the hubby. 

Things are starting to move around as my body prepares for delivery, and my movement slows daily.  Everything feels a bit tender and the evidence of the upcoming transition is apparent.  I know these last few weeks will be spent doing last minute preparations and spending a lot of time off my swollen feet.  I think it's funny how everyone treats you so delicately when you're with child.  But, I do love it (to a point) and why not take advantage of it while it lasts? 

I'm hating the way I feel and look. But I have decided something and hope that I can just stick with it.  I'm embracing my pregnant self as best I can for these last 4 weeks.  I'm having a baby and that is a beautiful thing.  I have a life growing inside me and I shouldn't be ashamed of how that has changed every single inch of my body.  I struggle with loving myself at any stage, but especially right now.  So, this will be a fight for me I think, but one that I am determined to win. I will try not to examine my chubby face and thicker thighs with disgust and I'll try not to long for my body I had before I got pregnant.  Which when I look back at pictures I hit myself for.  (Note to self:  next time you get thin, appreciate it a lot more!)

Does this shirt make my belly look big?

We have yet to decide on a name for this little one.  Doug and I are of differing opinions.  Right now he and my Bishop are calling her Chuck.  And knowing Doug, that's probably what he will call her for the rest of her life.  I am leaning towards one name in particular at the moment but am still keeping my ears open for anything that might feel a bit more 'right'.  Naming your child is a special and delicate process.  I know that when she gets here we will know for sure what she should be known as.