"I AM WHAT I AM..."
But is that ALL that I am?
DISCLAIMER: I have P.M.S. right now. I blame anything that I say on that.
So last night was interesting. After another ridiculous experience of putting the "I'm NOT tired" kids to bed. I had a little bit of emotional diarrhea. Everything that I feel inadequate about came spewing out and poor Doug had to clean up the mess I made. For some reason, these moments tend to happen in my bathroom. I wind up sitting on the toilet lid with my face in my hands. (Maybe it happens there because the toilet paper is so conveniently close....which is a great thing when you 'ugly cry' the way I do.)
My husband just asked what I was feeling. I don't really think he was expecting what he got though. I was abnormally honest with my answers. I wasn't afraid of how stupid they sounded or how disturbed they made me seem. I laid it all out on the bathroom floor. I won't go into everything that I shared with him because it got a little too personal. But what it boiled down to was..."INADEQUACY." Or so I thought that's what it was. I went into all the aspects of life that I feel like I'm failing at, horrible mom, horrible wife... or in other words "CLARISSA'S PITY PARTY!" In sharing all this information with Doug, he said some things that were very hard to hear. And very hard to not get mad at him for. But I didn't get mad...I held in the tantrum that was boiling in my throat. I didn't get defensive, like I usually do. I just listened to his thoughts on what I had said. After all, he had sat there quietly through my sobs of insanity. The conclusion: I. AM. SELFISH. Yep, I admit it. I have had hints of that being the case off and on for years, but it's official. I'm selfish. Another term for it is "ME-ITIS." It's a terrible disease, really. And I hope to remedy it as soon as possible. Some well known medications for it are: Service, Love, Compassion, (all for other people of course). Now I know that I have tried these before, but have they been for the right reasons? Not sure. But I think it's time I self-medicate again. Just forget about myself. Not to the point of not taking care of ME or not knowing how important I am. But just spending more time on how other people are feeling and how things effect others. Not just concentrate on how I AM FEELING and how it's only effecting ME!
So, yes. I am what I am. But it's NOT all that I am. I can be different. I can be more. I can be better.
Ether 12: 27
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness, I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."
5 comments:
Pity Parties are the worst! They just drain ya. I'm glad you had Doug to listen to you and to help you sort things out. I think we're all selfish at times, it's hard not to be. I think we fall into those times more often than we would like. I wish you luck in making things better.
We're trying hard in our home but in my situation it makes me look even more selfish when I'm just trying to bring my family closer to the spirit. I'm hoping with the right reasons in mind everything will sort it's self out and make things clear.
Good luck and no more pity parties! :)
I think it's good to look inward and make changes for the better.
I think you're a beautiful person both inside and out.
Luckily, each new day is an opportunity to try again..
To try alittle harder to be alittle better..GBH
I love ya! R
Let me simply, sincerely, and quite truthfully say that I Love You, Clarissa! If you only knew how greatly I, and others, admire you!! :) I suppose it is human nature that makes us judge ourselves too harshly, and pick at our weaknesses as though they were old scabs, and imagine others see them as though they were Huge, Red Banners!! When the reality is, others are often admiring our strong qualities and traits and beating themselves up, thinking They don't quite measure up! Women, especially, can be so silly about this! :)
You and Doug are perfect for each other! It reminds me of how Rud handles my emotions and keeps me grounded! Sometimes he'll say things that are hard for me to hear, but are the very things I need to hear! :)
Hang in there! You're doing an amazing job with your life, and isn't it nice to know that no matter how amazing we are, we can always be even better!! Keep reaching for the stars, dear woman! :)
Clariss Darling. I think you are a beautiful person and a very wonderful friend. I think we all have feelings of inadequacy often, don't be so hard on yourself! With all the things we are busy with in life it is ok to think about yourself and have me time...to a certain extent. You are awesome. I love you!
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