HOPE

So, I've been MIA.  There is a perfectly good explanation for that.  My computer is on the fritz.  Holy viruses.  We finally took it in and 200 bones later, it's still not functioning correctly.  So, I am on my husbands laptop.  I have so much to catch up on, but I feel I need to do this post first.  Something is compelling me to do this.

I have been 'down in the dumps' lately.  I won't go into the sobbing details, but I've just been a bit of a 'hot mess.'  I have pinned it to my father dying.  Maybe I will give those details another time.  Ever since I got back from his funeral, things have been different.  I have been different.  Of course, having the husband that I do, he has been trying to be patient and loving and caring and every bit compassionate.  But he can't fix me. 

A few weeks ago, Douglas asked me to speak in sacrament meeting.  I accepted, as I always do.  Then I asked the topic.  "HOPE"  MMM....maybe I should have asked before saying yes.  How could I give a talk when HOPE was exactly the opposite of what I was feeling?  I stewed over it for several days and just like in my usual  procrastinating style, didn't start writing my talk until 11 P.M. Saturday night.  I have never shared the talks that I have given other than when I stand up on Sundays and do it.  I am sharing my exact talk for an unknown reason to me.  I'm following an impression, people!  Turns out, writing and giving this talk was just what I needed.

So, here it goes...

Hope is a hot topic this time of year, as it should be.  Christmastime brings out hope in most people.  Hope for mankind, for Christmas miracles.

According to me, I think there are two kinds of hope.  You've got your 'every day typical kind of hope' and then you have your 'eternal perspective kind of hope.'

The dictionary defines the 'every day typical kind of hope' as "the emotional state which promotes the belief in a positive outcome related to events and circumstances in one's life. Hope is the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn our for the best or the act of looking forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence or feeling that something desired may happen.  Other definitions are to cherish a desire with anticipation, to desire with expectation of obtainment or to expect with confidence."

I was a very typical little girls with my own set of hopes and dreams.  One of which was to be a dancer.  When my oldest sister would come home from college, my little sister and I would perform dance routines that we had spent hours and hours rehearsing for her.  I would beam with pride when she would express her amazement at my rhythmic moves.

I also had hopes of becoming a famous singer.  I used the typical hair brush microphone while staring at myself in the mirror practicing just the right facial expressions and finger points at my imaginary audience.  I was a pretty spectacular performer.

There was one other thing.  I hoped to become a writer.  That all started when I plagiarized a story about a dinosaur when i was in the 3rd grade and read it in front of the class as my own.  One of my classmates called me out on it and I totally denied it.  The guilt was overwhelming and I chose to write my own stories from then on.  I have actually found some stories that I wrote when I was around 9 years old and had tears streaming down my face.  Not because they were touching in any way, but because of the laughter they ignited.  I hope no one ever finds those stories.  So embarrassing.  But as my writing got more serious in high school, I set a goal to write a novel by the time I was 25.  I am 32 years old now.  I am not a dancer.  I am not a famous singer, and I have note written that novel.  Has my hope for those things disappeared?  I'll answer that question a little later.

As the person I am today, what are my hopes?  Some are personal but most remain somewhat typical.  Every day I put my feet on the floor and hope to be a better mom to my children, and a better wife to my husband.  I hope to be a better friend.  I hope to be a better child of my Heavenly Father.  I hope to get my house clean, not yell at my children, finish projects that have been haunting me for years, organize my unorganized life, spend more time in the scriptures and more time praying.  I hope to get a workout in AND a shower, to be strong enough to avoid those cookies in the cupboard and candies in the dish!  I hope to learn to play the guitar.  I hope for my children's futures.  I hope, I hope and I hope.  And most days I go to bed feeling unaccomplished, discouraged and just not good enough because I have failed at pretty much all of that.  And that is the moment when Mr. Lucifer sneaks in and tells me that I shouldn't hope at all.  That I am, in fact, hopeless.  I am not strong.  How do I get up the next day and combat those feelings of hopelessness that loom over me?  Those feelings that are sometimes so overpowering they paralyze and desire to keep going.  Perhaps through that 'eternal perspective kind of hope.'

Elder Dieter F. Uchdorf said in a Conference talk in 2008 "The things we hope in sustain us during our daily walk.  They uphold us through trials, temptations, and sorrow.  Everyone has experienced discouragement and difficulty.  Indeed, there are times when the darkness may seem unbearable.  It is in these times that the divine principles of the restored gospel we hope in can uphold us and carry us until, once again, we walk in the light.  We hope in Jesus the Christ, in the goodness of God, in the manifestations of the Holy Spirit, in the knowledge that prayers are heard and answered.  This type of hope in God, His goodness and His power refreshes us with courage during difficult challenges and gives strength to those who feel threatened by enclosing walls of fear, doubt, and despair.  Hope sustains us through despair.  Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us.  With Nephi I declare: 'Press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if  ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life.'  This is the quality of hope we must cherish and develop.  Such a mature hope comes in and through our Savior Jesus Christ. To all who suffer - to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely - I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.  Never surrender.  Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.  Embrace and rely upon the hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

Now there is a definite difference in the gospel definition of hope compared to the dictionary.  On the church website it says that hope is...the confident expectation of and longing for the promised blessings of righteousness.  The scriptures often speak of hope as anticipation of eternal life through faith in Jesus Christ.  The word hope is sometimes misunderstood.  In our everyday language, the word often has a hint of uncertainty.  For example, we may say that we hope for a change in the weather or a visit from a friend.  In the language of the gospel, however, the word hope is sure, unwavering, and active.  When we have hope, we trust in God's promises.  We have a quiet assurance that if we do "the works of righteousness," we "shall receive our reward, even peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come" (D&C 59:23).  Mormon taught that such hope comes only through the Atonement of Jesus Christ: "What is it that ye shall hope for?  Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise" (Moroni 7:41)  The principle of hope extends into the eternities, but it also can sustain us through the everyday challenges of life. "Happy is he," said the Psalmist, "that hath the God of Jacob for his help, whose hope is in the Lord his God" (Psalm 146:5).  With hope, we can find joy in life.  We can "have patience, and bear with...afflictions, with a firm hope that ye shall one day rest from all your afflictions" (Alma 34:41).

I know that it is important to hope for things in your life.  To have desires and goals and dreams.  Those should never go away.  But it is also important to have an eternal perspective of hope.  For with that eternal perspective of hope, the every day kind of hope changes and becomes more bearable when it is not achieved. 

With whom shall our deepest hopes lie?  With whom do we hope to reside with after this life?  Who has hope in us?  Our Savior and our Heavenly Father.

Now to answer the question I asked earlier.  Have the hopes of my childhood disappeared?  The dancer, the singer, the writer.  No, they have not.  The reality of it is, those hopes and dreams have been fulfilled in a way.  You see, I dance with my children and husband in the kitchen and dining room.  I am a dancer.  I sing with and to my children and husband and yes, on occasion I still sing into a hair brush in front of the mirror, finger point at the audience and all.  I am a singer.  And although I haven't written that novel, I write about my life on a blog and through poetry.  I am a writer.  Sometimes your hopes don't come out exactly like you planned.  The key is to finding happiness in how they did turn out and understanding what your eternal hopes should be.  And the only way that that is possible is through our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I have a testimony of this gospel.  I believe it, I respect it, and I hope to live it better.  I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be happy.  He wants me to turn to him in those moments of hopelessness and fight through it with Him by my side.  I know my Savior lives.  His birth that we celebrate at this time of year brought about the greatest hope of all.  And lastly may I mention with a solemn heart, in the mists of the horrific tragedy in Connecticut that we have been witness to, may we continue to hope and pray for those affected.

Dressed To Impress

I have to admit that I steal a lot of other peoples ideas. So when I read on nieniedialouges blog how she does an end of summer dinner for her kids, I was a big 'ol thief! She does it better, and even picks out a family theme for the school year. Mmm...maybe we'll do that next year.
I actually put some thought and time into this little shin dig. I made candle holders and an apothecary jar (made from an old candelabra and an Adams peanut butter jar) for the table decorations and even baked 2...yes 2, yummy deserts! I gave the kids an invitation and said they should dress to impress! Hey, I didn't want this to be any ordinary dinner! The girls were more excited about that part, and even did each others hair and make-up! I decorated the side yard with twinkle lights and banners that I had made for something else (which have come in quite handy), got some fresh flowers from up the road and even brought out the stemware!
I asked my personal chef (my husband) to make his fabulous homemade pizza that the kids L O V E. Add to that, salad, fresh fruit and 2 crazy rich desserts I found on Pinterest, and you've got a dinner fit for my kids!








I don't mean to brag, but my guests were very impressed! Pretty easy to do...but still. I'm glad it put cheesy grins on their faces.












We stayed out there till late and got to really enjoy the lights.
This was so much fun. The kids have begged me to do it every year from now on. I think, yes!!

12

Birthday Boy
August 13th


I have a 12 year old. Sounds strange, feels strange. It seems so cliche to talk about how I can't believe how fast the time has flown. But it really is the truth. When I start to think about what has happened in the last 12 years with this kid, it blows my mind.

This boy is very pre teen. With almost as much attitude as my girls. But when I look at the big picture, he quite frankly, is an incredible kid. He is sensitive, funny, talented, smart, respectful, imaginative, loving, and just fantastic! It's got to be tough being the only boy and he handles it...yeah that's it. He handles it. As he gets older, my hope for the kind of man he will be grows stronger.




(While singing to him for his birthday, he decided that he should shove his face into his cake after the song. With the crowd cheering him on...that's exactly what he did!)







12 is kind of a big deal with us religiously speaking. That is when the young men receive the Priesthood. Which is the authority to act in God's name here on the earth. (If you want to know more about that...just ask). Doug gave him an eloquently amazing blessing with his ordination. Lots to look forward to with this son of mine! Of course with this comes being able to pass the sacrament. It was surreal to watch him up there with the other young men! I just can't believe my chunky, adorable little boy with a lisp has turned into the young man I see today. So blessed to be his mom!

I've Gone INSANE!

Yes, it's official!  I'm insane...metaphorically speaking. 

So, I had a baby and gained a lot of weight.  54 lbs to be exact.  7 weeks after having said baby I had lost 24 lbs of intial after birth weight and was miserable.  So I strapped on my sports bra and started working out.  I was doing my old Turbo Jam and Pilates combination.  I threw a few other things into the mix like running and riding my bike.  I decided I was tired of my old stuff and went to Target and got some Jillian Micheals dvd's.  They turned out to be pretty good actually.  I ended up losing about 10 pounds through all that.  But then Doug and I had a 'crazy' idea while watching the boob tube one night.  We were intrigued and drawn into the world of Insanity.  We watched the infomercial, which we had seen before, with a more serious desire.  We wanted to be one of the success stories.  We wanted to look like all those people and we wanted that tshirt!  I ordered it the next day.  And so our 60 days of madness began the following Monday.  Let me tell you that it's even harder than it looks on t.v.  Granted I wasn't in the best of shape when starting, but still.  It was evident that this was going to really push me...and then some. 

Before every workout there is a lengthy 'warning' about how intense this really is.  It basically says you should know that this might kill you, so don't do it if you're not ready.  That's not scary...

Unless you do this work out yourself, it's hard to understand what it is like.  I honestly have never sweat like this before.  The sweat wasn't dripping off of me, it was running off of me. The workouts had to be moved into the dinning room so the sweat could be mopped up instead of soaking into the family room carpet.  Shaun T (the instructor) would be yelled at on a daily basis and if I was a swearing person a few cuss words would have been directed at him.  But, I learned to love the man and appreciate all his dedication and 'dig deeper' comments...sort of!  Surprisingly enough, even with how hard and completely exhausting each day was, I felt totally energized and would follow most workouts with a quick 1 mile run!  Upon completing month 1 and a recovery week, I had lost 6 pounds and I felt like I had gotten much stronger and was optimistic about month 2.  Until I started month 2.  'Stupid' is the word I used to describe these torture filled DVDs.  There were brief moments when I wanted to quit.  But I had made a commitment, spent the money and didn't want to walk away and kick myself later.  And to be honest, it became a little addicting.  I needed to do this every day, 6 days a week.  I needed to be totally drenched in sweat for self evidence that I was working my tail off. 

Now, wanting the results I did, I knew that I would have to be a lot more careful with what I was eating.  I didn't perfect any special eating habits.  I just changed some things.  I can exercise until I am blue in the face, but eating healthy is where I totally fail!  I love donuts, candy, pastries!  JUNK FOOD JUNKIE right here!  But, I gave up sugars and white flour foods.  Started eating real butter instead of margarine, all natural Adams peanut butter instead of JIF.  I just tried to be more aware and make healthier choices.  Water has always been my drink of choice...so lots of that.  Eating less, eating smarter and eating slower.  Nothing crazy but enough to make a difference.  Baby steps people! 

After 60 days and a few near death experiences I finished!  I lost 13 pounds all together and didn't keep track of the inches lost (which I am wishing I would have now).  The results aren't mind blowing and frankly I have so much farther to go to be where I want to be.  But it's progress.  

You start with a fit test and then do one every 2 weeks to track your progress.  I can't really explain what the exercises are but I will tell you the name and the number of my first and last fit tests just so you can see the progress.

                                       

SWITCH KICKS: First Fit Test - 57  Last Fit Test - 64

POWER JACKS: First Fit Test - 26  Last Fit Test - 62 

POWER KNEES: First Fit Test - 80  Last Fit Test - 121

POWER JUMPS: First Fit Test - 17  Last Fit Test - 60

GLOBE JUMPS: First Fit Test - 6  Last Fit Test - 11

SUICIDE JUMPS: First Fit Test - 11  Last Fit Test - 16

PUSH-UP JACKS: First Fit Test - 8  Last Fit Test - 26

LOW PLANK OBLIQUE: First Fit Test - 40  Last Fit Test - 77

I am very nervously and reluctantly posting my before and after pics.  Be nice.  

                                           BEFORE
                      (Please excuse the white belly
                        that has not seen the sun)                                

                                         BEFORE

                                          BEFORE

Fortunately, I had a few little helpers during this.  All the kids (and of course Doug) pitched in to take care of Vivienne if she would wake up or need attention while I was working out.  Couldn't have done it without them.
Of the 54 pounds gained during my pregnancy, I have lost 47.  Only 7 more to go and a whole lot of toning!!  Wish me luck on round 2.  That's right.  I'm doing it again!

Here's to the next 60 days!!

Baseball Season...again!

This is the 6th year we have done baseball.  Feels like it was just last year that we signed Payton up for TBall.  This year, he made the Majors.  Of course the weather is always an issue and we had a lot of cancelled games.  But some nights, I was thankful for those cancelled games.  We complicated things more this go round by signing Savannah up too.  We had practice or games or both...every night of the week!! 

The cutest fan at every game!

Payton's cousin, Jarom got to play this year.  We thought it was an awesome chance for them to play on the same team together.  I think it really helped Payton to have someone so close to be able to practice (and complain about practicing) with! 

My little fast pitch cutie!

Since we waited so long for Vann to play she went straight to U8 Fast Pitch.  This girl is a natural.  And those little legs still impress me with how fast she can move them!!  She had a blast playing and can't wait for next season! 

Savannah's Ninth

Which happened on April 11th...yes, I'm that far behind on my blogging!

It's crazy that's it's already been a year since this little miss was baptized.  But as we all know, time just slips by sometimes. 

Her birthday was very low key this year.  She woke to waffles for breakfast, and during the day, Dad took in ice cream for her and her class.  She had really wanted to see Mirror Mirror, so as a special treat, I took her to see it right after school.  She loved it.  She loved even more that it was just her and I.

Ice cream and cake followed a dinner of chili dogs (her choice) and then the anticipated presents.  This year she got a new bike.  Which, of course she loves.

A few days later I took her for her very first mani/pedi.  Minus the pedi.  I discovered something new about Vann.  She doesn't like people touching her feet!  Fine by me...it was cheaper that way, and she was perfectly happy!

.a happy easter.

I can't remember an Easter when the weather was as beautiful as it was this year.  At the risk of sounding a little silly, I'd say it was glorious.  So it was a little frustrating waking up to the sunshine having had a fever filled night (me and Viv) and not knowing if I would make it to church.  But in the middle of night during my cold chills and shaking, I begged Heavenly Father to help me and Vivienne feel better so I could enjoy this spiritual holiday at church, with my family.  And glory be, it happened!  Wasn't 100 % but good enough. 

The girls had been waiting months to wear their dresses.  I picked them up at Costco for 17 bucks a while back and forbid the girls to put them on until Easter Sunday.  Because of the built anticipation they were even more excited to slip the lovely light blue dresses on. 

After a great morning at Church, we came home to just relax.  I decided to take advantage of the non raining day and snapped a few pictures of the kids.  Thankfully I got several good ones before they grew tired of it!

We had gotten together with the 'local' family the day before and did a fun brunch and egg hunt, so it was just us on Sunday.  Doug did a great job with dinner and we spent the rest of the evening just being together.  It was pretty quiet and laid back...and yes, glorious!

6 weeks

8 weeks

10 weeks

I started working on this post 4 weeks ago. 

To say that these past 10 weeks have gone by fast would be an understatement.  I honestly don't know where the time has gone.  If feels like I just brought this little miss home and already she is getting chubby, giving me smiles that make my day, and making my absolute favorite sound in the world...baby coo's.  Seriously, melts. my. heart!!

The first 6 weeks weren't the easiest for me and miss Viv. Besides taking forever to heal from the fabulous delivery, I had a few boob issues.  I got mastitis for the first time ever.  Don't recommend it to anyone.  Then just after I finished my antibiotics for that, Vivienne and I got thrush.  That was the first time for that too.  So, we both got put on drugs.  Boob pain in terrible.

I had my share of the baby blues.  I prepare myself for them, because I know they come.  I try really hard to work through them.  Some days are better than others, but I think I have done alright...Doug may disagree with me.  But the kids are still alive, I haven't gone totally crazy yet and he still loves me.  So, I consider that a success! 

{I have a lot more pictures, but am being lazy about loading them.  Maybe in another post}

 

The newness of Vivienne hasn't worn off yet.  She is still a rock star in this house.  She is certainly not attention deprived.  In fact, smothered is the word I would use.  Savannah and Payton are the ones usually fighting over who gets to hold her.  I will say that having older kids to help out this time around has been a.maz.ing!  And so far, they have been very willing to help as much as I need them to.  It's pretty sweet!

At her 2 month check up she weighed in at 12 lbs. 15 oz. and was 23 inches long.  Her first out right giggles came just the other night and at...of course...Jillian.  It was hilarious and infectious.  She also rolled over 4 times the night before that.  Oh goodness, it's all happening so fast. 

I have a very deep attachment to this girl. I don't mind others holding her at all...but I miss her when they do.  I could spend all day just holding her, listening to her talk, absorbing her full face smiles, and having her sleep on me.  It's hard to do anything else sometimes.  She is very distracting.  Now, it's not all peaches and cream.  She spits up a lot, is extremely fidgety and unsettled and has her inconsolable moments...but all that really doesn't matter.  I am putty in her hands.

I do need to talk about one other thing.  My amazing, fantabulous, phenomenal husband.  I don't know a better person than him and couldn't function without him.  He is my hero and has taken such good care of all of us.  He does so much and without complaining.  He only wants to make sure I am happy.  Love.  That.  Man!!

Something About Savannah

My sweet 8 year old plowed through the door a couple of weeks ago with a huge smile!  She was holding the sought after Student of the Month certificate.  She received the award for Honesty during the month of February.  I'm starting to think the teachers don't want me there because just like with Jillian, I wasn't told this was happening!  Nevertheless, I was proud and snapped a picture or two at home. 

(love those dimples!)

Another thing... Savannah banana asked for a sewing machine for Christmas.  (That sort of desire does not come from me.)  We got her one only after her grandmother said she would give her lessons.  Didn't want to spend the money for the thing to just sit there.  Heaven knows I wouldn't be teaching her. 

She completed her first project this week.  A little lap quilt for miss Vivienne.  She did an excellent job and insisted that we wrap Viv in it immediately.  We have received lots of blankets with this new baby and I put them in the closet upstairs.  Savannah asked..."Mom, can you actually leave this blanket with the baby instead of putting it in the closet?"  It now lays in the babes co-sleeper. 

I will probably be taking sewing lessons from her in the future!

**OSCAR WORTHY**

I have this thing with Hollywood and celebrities.  I'm not obsessed...just a little intrigued by the glitz and glamor of it all.  Maybe I still hold on to my childhood fantasy of becoming a famous singer/actress, (which I think most little girls have at some point in their lives).  Or maybe it's just because I'm a pretty typical 30-something year old housewife who longs to escape into the world of make believe every once in a while. 

I love movies.  When it comes to great movies,  I become attached to characters (same with books) and allow them to sink into my heart and usually don't want the story to end.  Unless of course it's a terrible movie.  Then I just pity the actors and wish them a better movie roll next time.

For the last few years I have wanted to throw an all out fancy shmancy Oscar party.  What better way to indulge my silly fantasy?  I picture having a red carpet leading to my house, fake paparazzi taking pictures of all my guests arriving in their killer (probably found at Good Will) dresses,  with their hair and make up done all purdy like!!  Eating hors d'oeuvers and sipping sparkling cider.  I'm smiling at how fun this all sounds to me and at how silly at the same time.

So...why haven't I thrown this fabulous Oscar party yet, you ask?  Last year...the awards show snuck up on me and I didn't have time to plan and this year, I popped out a kid.  But I was still able to celebrate with a little bit of class thanks to my fab friend, Traci.   

You see, Traci has the same obsession...I mean intrigue.  So she too wants to have an Oscar bash.  We will be doing it together next year!  To make up for not being able to bring my still healing self to get a party together, Traci put a little something together just for me and Doug (although his interest level is much much less than mine).  Sparkling cider, Lindor chocolates, champagne glasses.  She even had a ballot in there so I could vote before hand.  OH, I was giddy with excitement when she gave it to me.  Sadly, it ended up being Oscar party for one...Doug was gone at meetings.  I did have Viv but frankly she was bored with the whole thing!  I did enjoy the chocolates and cider and felt pretty fancy...and maybe just a little bit pathetic. 

I'm excited for next year though and know that Traci and I will throw a truly magnificent Oscar worthy party.  I can't wait to walk the red carpet!