READY or NOT...

The final countdown has begun.  Only 5 days remain until I'm standing with 25,000 people awaiting the sound of the starting gun.  It makes me think back to 2 years ago when I was in that position.  I remember the adrenaline pumping through every vain in my body and the sweat in my palms.  But looking back, I was ready.  I had trained hard and put in my time.  I was there to fulfil a goal I had set for myself.  I knew I had it in me.  Even though at the time, I may not have felt it. 

Unfortunately...this time is different.

 

To say that I am nervous would be a gross understatement.  When I think about Saturday I almost get sick to my stomach.  I AM NOT READY.  As difficult as it seemed last time around...it doesn't even compare to now.  I jumped into this wanting to have amazing results.  And it just hasn't happened.  When I started running again after the accident, it was difficult.  My body literally had done nothing for almost 4 months.  The muscles in my legs and arms were weak and I was frail.  But, I signed up knowing that it would just come back to me.  I could start running again and build those muscles back up.  That did happen, slowly but surely.  As discouraging as it was to run with the people I was training with, I kept going.  Always the slowest, always running less miles. I kept going.  Eventually there came a point where I started to feel a little better, a little more confident.  Maybe I got a little ahead of myself, maybe I tried to push it too hard, maybe I just wasn't ready to take on a task such as this.  But I wanted to prove to myself that I could come back from my accident and accomplish this.  And now...I'm just scared.

My shin splints are not healed.  And, unfortunately I had a little set back in my healing process which caused my severe dizzies and nausea to return for several days.  The nausea from that has faded, but the intensity of my dizzy spells hasn't calmed down to where they were before. 

I have ran only two times in the last 4 weeks.  I have tried to keep my cardio and endurance up with biking...but running is just different.  The farthest I had ran before my shins decided to get all stupid on me was 8 miles.  5 less than what the race is.  This is not what I had planned. 

But still, I am holding out a tiny bit of...

Hope...that my legs will just keep moving even if they are only crawling.  Hope...that I can talk myself through the pain and negative thoughts that will be swimming in my head.  Hope...that I will just be OK.  Hope...that no matter what it takes, I will cross that finish line.

It is absolutely not what I had planned...but it is what it is and I can't change it.  So, I am gonna put on my running gear, tape up my shins, pin on my bib and finish this journey.  I know that the only person I will be racing against is myself.  That may be the biggest challenge of all.

Unfortunately, I will probably not finish faster than the last time like I wanted to.  But, I will finish. I will finish.  I.  WILL.  FINISH. 

The best part about being the last of all the people I know that are running to cross the finish line is knowing that they will all be there at the end to cheer me on, to hug me and tell me how proud they are of me.  That right there will be worth the pain.