Flashback

I was able to attend a high school choir concert of two of my Young Women Tuesday night.  As I stepped into the gymnasium and listened to them perform, I was transported back to my high school choir days.  It made me a bit  nostalgic as those kinds of things always do.  It was a really entertaining and touching concert.  I enjoyed every note. 
I have been to several high school concerts since my march down the graduation aisle, but for some reason this one sent me down a different road.

Pulling out of the parking lot, I had this strange desire to go watch some old videos from 1998 of random-ness and a few performances I had done my Senior year.  My mind was swirling with memories of being on stage, making sweet harmonies and singing every single day.  But when I popped those VHS videos in, I knew immediately, I should have ignored the desire.  It was excruciating. The choir concert was laughably off-key and the whole thing was painfully embarrassing.  And it was only Doug and me that were watching.
As I watched I cringed every time I spoke, every time I sang.  I laughed at my clothes, my hair,  my teeth, my behavior and my all around dorkyness.  It was awful...but of course I kept watching.   I do realize that most people feel that way about themselves when forced to endure old home movies.   But when it's you, you think that you might just take home the prize for being the biggest loser.

There was footage of a few of my best girlfriends from school, my siblings, my mom and my (at the time) 3 year old niece (who just turned 17)!!  We were all white and nerdy.  Well, my family anyway...my friends would be Hispanic and nerdy.

It's amazing the amount of changes that have occurred over the last 13 years.  We all looked so silly and young.  I'm sure in those moments where we thought we said something funny or did something interesting we weren't thinking about how ridiculous we would seem watching it several years later. 

The conclusion that I came to was...I am grateful for the changes.   The changes in everyone...but mostly in myself.   I have caught myself having those  "if I could do it all over again" moments and wanting to go back to a simpler, less responsibility time of life.  And of course, I long for my pre-baby body.  But upon watching the tapes roll, I don't think I'll worry about that kind of stuff again.  Not that it was all consuming or anything...just fleeting moments. 

I did notice some things about myself that are very much the same.  I'm still insecure.  I don't know how many times I asked the people around me if they liked my hair after I cut about 7 inches off.  Sounds familiar.  And I still chew the insides of my cheeks.  I guess there are a few things that I still need to work on.  Oh yeah...and I am still a great big dork too!  THAT may never change.

 Although I would prefer the aging clock to slow down a little, and for some perkiness to return to certain areas...at least, for today, I am grateful for growing-up, maturing and braces.  I am also grateful for different trends in clothes and make-up.

We'll see how I feel about those things 13 years from now.