THE SELF DOUBT MONSTER

I know we have all met him.  He's not the kind of monster that hides under your bed or in your closet.  He follows very stealthily behind you and waits for those moments when you feel the least bit confident.  He has been my shadow this past week.  And he made his presence very well known yesterday.

I started running again last week.  I was dreading starting up for fear of the tantrum my body would throw and the fact that my head might spin enough to send me into unconscious mode.  Unconsciousness avoided...but TANTRUM thrown!  I know that not running or doing anything physically challenging for almost 4 months would obviously do something to my fitness level.  But HOLY HEAVY LEGS BATMAN!!  It was hard to pick those suckers off the pavement...stride after stride.  I made it 2 miles and some change.  Better than my very first attempt last time I started training for a half marathon.  So, I am already ahead of my previous game.  But just like before, I am questioning my decision to do this.  I signed up to do the Rock and Roll Seattle Half Marathon again and I'm feeling a bit crazy.  I felt great about wanting to do it...until I started running again. My husband signed up too and is doing fantastic.  We have gone on a few runs together.  I use the term "together" very loosely.  I am running so slow right now that he and the others we have been running with leave me in their dust.  Which, in all actuality is very disheartening for me.  I wish that it didn't bother me, but it does.  So, I am left with my 'self doubt monster' as my training partner.  He is not encouraging at all.  He feels my head with questions like,  "Why are you doing this again?"  "Do you really think you can do this?"  "You are a joke.  Look at how slow you are going.  You can barely make it 2 miles, do you really think that 13.1 is possible?"  What a meany-head.  He is very persuasive and makes some excellent points.  But I will say that I continue to run even through all that.  He is strong...but I am stronger???

On to yesterdays 'monster' encounter.  I wrote something for a friend a few weeks ago which turned out pretty dang cute if I do say so myself.  Well, upon sharing it with another friend she gave me the idea of trying to get it published.  Just the thought of the possibility feels me with giddiness and excitement.  The more we talked about it the more I was gung ho about going for it.  But then...dun, dun, dun...the monster came.  "Why on earth would you think someone would want to publish this?"  "You are going to get rejected over and over, so why bother?"  "You have got to be kidding yourself that anyone would be interested in buying this!"  See...meany-head!  I do argue with him.  I say "What if they do like it?  What if it does get published and people like it and want to buy it?  This could actually happen!"  "And even if it doesn't, oh well, at least I gave it a shot."  It's been a pretty intense battle.  I want to believe myself.  I want to believe IN myself.  I AM capable of accomplishing things.  But...the monster is so much easier to believe. 

So the battle continues.  But I'm promising to not go down without a fight.  Maybe I'll find a good running path where I can lose him.